Why does he hit me? Is my partner supposed to control me? What is wrong with me? What is it about me that says…I deserve to be hit? At least I know he cares when he hits me.

If these are thoughts that ricochet through your mind, you are not alone and there is hope. The confusion and shame that surrounds the offenses you receive can be unbearable. There are many reasons why violence ensues within a relationship. Here are some reasons as to why you may feel trapped in your situation.

Faulty self-concepts

Have you ever said the following to yourself? “I am not worth anything.” Or, “I deserve to be treated this way.” The meaning of life can be found through intimacy with others. While we are independent beings, our relationships can govern our existence and the way we function. Our relationships can even help or hinder the way we view ourselves. 

You may feel as though your religious beliefs support your thoughts of staying in this relationship. Are you finding that your religious training is being tested in regards to the role of husbands and wives? If you have a skewed view of self, coupled with strong religious convictions to be faithful and obedient, it can be difficult to know when to take a stand.

Attachment styles

Within any relationship, patterns are established. When good interactions result in good feelings, those in a relationship will work to ensure that these good feelings are repeated. Unfortunately, the same is true in reverse. Unpleasant interactions become patterns as well. And each couple develops their own dance, their own attachment style. A few patterns are typical for abusive relationships: accuse-deny, demand-refuse, criticize-defend, attack-withdraw, attack-attack, and stonewalling.¹

History repeats

Violence within a relationship may have been the “norm” of your environment. As a child, this pattern of instability, pain, regret, forgiveness, instability, pain, regret, forgiveness, and so on, may have been the only model of a relationship you were shown.

If your partner does not physically hit you, this does not mean that you are not a victim of domestic abuse. The verbal threats, the criticisms and the shoving are not okay. If your partner attempts to control where you go, what you wear, how much money you spend, the amount of time you spend with friends and family, and/or accuses you of cheating: you too are in an abusive relationship.

If you are in contemplation of leaving an abusive relationship, you are a hero. If you have violence and abuse in your past and want to shed the history of pain, help is here. If you would like a more healthy and functional way to relate to your partner, there are tools to be learned. You are the strength of the future and there is hope. For a free consultation and free mental health services, call 804-467-1488.

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